feels like dying

everyday feels like dying

im crying on the inside

i cant speak my pain

i've adapted to denying

my fears and curses

are made alive

everynight i hope to die

goes from bad to worst

i dread waking up

my life smells foul

and my only movement

is in a bowel

wipe my ass with a towel

dont like it pick a vowel

cuz one day it might just be

a.e.i.o. YOU!

saisons de le vie

my coldest winter was in 03
u left me a bastard child
now i stand in the elements
bare breasted
and without a soul
a vacant heart
that refuse to be occupied
lost friendship that
probably were never mine
im engaged to misery
im going to marry my doom
my once in a lifetime
came and left too soon
in spring, my flowers
wont nourish or grow
summer,i wish you never
existed
and in fall i gather my acorns
because i know another
cold winter is to come

12.12.08

body bag me!

To make a long story short, HUGE cut on my face, argument, silly me!
happy fucking thanksgiving everyone!


leaches sucking at my brain
insane convulsion
dont allow me oxygen
unplug the life support
bypass me
then body bag me
die!

11.21.08

roar!

conversations with you are in vain

unsatisfying kisses

my heart roars like a protective lion,
step away from my queens

because he knows what my eyes cant see

the sunset were beautiful but the midnight air were strangely cool

you secured me to climb the latter than let me fall

now i cant forget

11.18.08

lukewarm

drenched in this inconsolable sorrow

my soul cries but my eyes wont shed tears
feels like my inside are vomiting

eyesight are blurred ,im in a daze
i never felt so numb, so unfulfilled

and nothing taste more sour than
this bitterness

im feasting in this lukewarm
emptiness

parched paths has lead me to astray but
the strange part is that i thirst not

11/18/08

from mercy to union sq

So i spent the day with bestie loaded with walkin,gluttony,thrifting,more walking,laughter,and arguing


We started off in union sq walked to l.e.s went to this stink ass thrift and on they way we argued cuz sum dumbass 1$ used books lol anyways bestie wanted to get this nice top for $10 but she didnt get it than she regretted it cuz she saw the same fuckin top for almost $50 in uban outfitter<----overrated


So watever we ate pizza @ dis bootleg pizza shop in l.e.s. kinda nasty so we just decided to go to billyburg to eat again cuz they have way better pizza...we were sum fat ass pigs yesterday but hey we needed energy from the marathon we walked



We got lost lookin for the j train than my metro card didnt fuckin work sumhow i was pissed so i just snuck my fatass in threw the door



Anyways the end im tired of writing

the strike is over

I shaved the bush of my pussy & im convinced that was the only reason y i couldnt cum wen u was licking it..fucking pubes

Less hair more tongue....now come over n eat me bitch

Polyps in my colon

These past days seem to hit me harder then hurricane Katrina and i stand from the flood destroyed rooftops yelling for help without an answer. Im so broke beyond inflation measures, i wish i can talk about clothes, school, and going out but instead i worry...i worry about food being on the table for my grandfather and making sure he's ok...and his Alzheimer's is getting worst...UGH!

Last nite he shitted everywhere and at 5 am where most people my age are sleeping, partying or doing whatever the fuck people my age do, i was struggling to get my grandfather in the tub to wash him up, and get the horrible stench of human waste off of him and my life.......

Right now i hate my family because it seems like since im outta their sight, im off their mind....Today i couldnt even move literally, i was tired......mentally strained, physically weighed down and emotionally crushed....i could do nothing but cry or rather sob.....i really hope i can get this job, cuz Lord knows i need it.....but i need HIM more. Im just a fugitive in a foreign land....i think i need to see a therapist seriously.....all of these polyps are building in my colon, and im constipated in every way possible...

Self-inflicted torture that i seem to be addicted to

walls are closing in and i look at myself in such disdain

come kiss it and make it better but it only seems to get worst

scratched of scars; blood seaps from my heart...and like a hemophilliac i bleed

8.20.08

tainted love

gruling, spiteful, down to the point where i wanna fucking bite you

sweet, disgusting tainted love

addiction, mmm gimme kisses, so rough make me bleed!

sweet, disgusting tainted love

touches that make my insides blush are now like contaminated seas

sweet, disgusting tainted love

and the horrid of us are now entering the state of oblivion

yes sweet
absolutely disgusting
tainted love

8.24.08

aint to proud to beg...

i know i have my pride issue
(But if I have to cry to keep you, i don't mind weepin' if it'll keep you by my side
-temptation)
all i wanna do is be truthful to you and i know i may hurt you with my actions but i dont wanna lose you over some stupid shit. that's all we ever argue about ugh stupid shit! i know i done wrong but you made mistakes too...just help me be a better person and i wanna help you too...but on another note


i love soul music...they just dont make music like they use to anymore...im telling you, i can literally hang with my grandmother and maybe even drink a lil and jam to some otis redding or aretha franklin...i know im only 22 but i know my oldies...just a lil info about moi

p.s. i was fiending for a cig today and i didnt like that feeling i need to stop smoking and drinking asap

what life has become...

Someone is obsessed with me!
my grandfather has alzhiemers
im currently unemployed n hate it!!!

im just so sick of life rite now. earlier i had yet another big fight with lets call them shecter. i told them that i dont wanna live a lie anymore and if i want to smoke if front of everybody than thats want imma do and they dont understand that...well they are "trying" to understand...im learning that living in a web of lies only weighs people down, like i need to feel anymore heavy ugh! but anyways back to the arguement...shecter hates my friends and sometimes i feel like shecter wants all of me and doesnt want me to share memories with anybody but shecter . imma ex christian rite now and i have been drinking, smoking, and all that sinful indulgence jazz. i understand wat shecter is saying thet they dont want ppl taking about me but frankly i just dont give a fuck anymore. i may not pay my own bill (well duh im jobless) but i do take care of my bizz in every other aspect...can i live, can i breath, can i exhale get off of me...my intentions wasnt to bash my shecter on my 1st blog i love her soooo much (ily shecter) n i know they means no harm anyways everything is semi good now so moving on....im thinking of my new fall look im still not too sure on that yet, i need sum ideas but it seems like my brain is clutter with stress and restless thoughts. ugh! i need a fucking drink...dis is how i feel rite now even thought i write it in july







another sleep deprived nite, in which i can barely form thoughts

exhausted, with this massive headache i write in fustration

pain lays heavy in my heart, my chest gets tight, and my arteries are clogged with misery

something just isnt right i can feel it in my soul

i carry intolerable unsatisfaction and only i am to blame

why?,

because im affraid to move foward, afraid of what i become

afflicted with awful truths, feel like shaving my hair like brittney or erykah badu?

yea, sounds like im losing it or maybe i just need some sleep

fuck that, maybe i need you to come over here and do what you do to me

make me cum easily but afterward i feel so sleezy....my nezzy

i just wanna be happy but im convienced that happily ever after was a phrase made under false pretenses


7.24.08